The Book of Life

As humans we go through life in a multitude of experiences that become memories and ultimately, add to our stories of life. We go through chapters, books, series and maybe repeat back through a book or two to edit and so forth. We let these stories define us, forgetting the real divinity within. The stories serve as lessons, experiences, opportunities, growth, development, expansion and yet we tend to get caught up in the lesson or in the experience. Sometimes we’re even afraid of the growth, afraid of the change; It’s uncomfortable, I’ve never done it before, well what if this happens, I don’t deserve that, you get the picture. I’m a mere 25 years young and would like to point out the elephant in the room, this shit is hard!

For the past year or so I’ve been battling with PTSD. With all of the healing, changes and growth going on in life right now, I was finding it easy to fall down the slippery slope of anxiety and depression. If you’ve ever battled with either of these yourself or been close to someone who has, you can understand the spiral of illusions that accompany anxiety or depression and the quick sand feeling of never being able to escape. I remember here probably not even too long ago when I would think to myself, “Why hasn’t anyone written a book about what it’s like to go through these healing journeys?” Well, I’ve finally found the answer, it’s the book of life. I realize now that no one could have told me what to do to get better, I had to figure that out for myself. Along with the help of others, friends and family who have supported me through it all. But here’s the thing, these books suggest; just meditate, do some yoga, walk it off, but all in all, the closest I’ve ever been to truly seeing, feeling and living life for what it is worth has been by realizing everyone’s story is different. What works for me may not work for you. That’s the whole point!

Along my healing journey I have tried numerous things, because that’s what she did or that’s what that book said. Some of them worked but others didn’t. Heck, months later I still find it hard to meditate 3-4 times a week in complete silence for a mere 15 minutes each time. Yoga doesn’t really appeal to me. And I can’t go on walks right now because bugs like the way I taste too much. So what do I do? I use essential oils to help aid in healing, when I find it hard to find the words to describe what/how I’m feeling I begin writing and in that I find bits and pieces of myself, I surround myself with people who bring out the best in me, I find little ways to have passion each day in what I do, I take baths to relax and cleanse my energy, I use crystals to help protect me and the space I live in, I read romantic books, I drive around and let the rhythm of music flow through me. The point is, you too can find what works for you. I’m not saying I have all the answers because I sure don’t. I eat too much sugar, I fear change and the unknown, I don’t exercise regularly like I should, sometimes I give up too easily, other times I obsess too much. I believe it may very well take me my whole life to continue on this healing journey of bettering myself. But the fact of the matter is, you can do it too! You don’t have to sit around waiting for the answers or be frozen from the fear. Remember to always be the change you want to see in the world because all in all, it starts with YOU!

 

Blessings

Kels

tomorrow

Advertisements

The Time Has Come

It’s been nearly 6 years my brother has been incarcerated. That’s 6 years of birthday celebrations, multiple holiday meals with family and many late night phone calls just to chat that have been missed. As he finishes out his “time” in prison, I have to say there are definitely some things I will not miss.

I’ve been in a court room to hear the verdict of my brother’s future as he sits across the room without contact in an orange jumpsuit accessorized with shackles and chains. I’ve been to visit 5 different prisons. I’ve sat behind a glass wall and talked to my brother through a telephone. I’ve been turned away from seeing him because I was 2 minutes past visiting check-in. I’ve missed calls from him in prison with no way of returning the call, just waiting until he gets the chance to call back. I’ve been turned away from seeing my brother because of what I was wearing (leggings and a dress). I’ve been patted down and have had to walk through metal detectors too many times to count. I’ve made a pit stop 2 hours out of town at Dollar General to get “appropriate” shoes because flip flops aren’t allowed. I’ve sat in a room full of murderers, child molesters, drug offenders and more just to spend a little bit of time with him. I’ve had to pay to take a picture with my brother. He missed out on my College graduation, I missed out on his High School graduation.

But in a mere 4 days, my family with be reunited with my brother. There are so many emotions that go along with this. I am so excited, it’s surreal! I am also nervous and anxious as in some ways, I am gaining a brother I lost to prison years ago. Life will be different, a lot has been missed but in this, there has been so much gained.

“God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference.” Through the years, I’ve experienced SERENITY, gained COURAGE and been granted WISDOM.

I share my story with you because I hope it gives you the strength to continue on your path and to continue with FAITH. I want to thank friends and family who have supported my family and I in this journey. Thank you to those who have asked how my brother is doing, who have prayed for him along his path and who have been there and will continue to be there as we all embark on this new journey.

img_2194

May light and love forever surround you my brother,

Kels (big sis)

Wednesday Inspiration

Feeling inspired today so I felt led to write it all down. Each post I write comes from the heart, sometimes I literally feel like my fingers are guided on what to type next and to me this is the best gift of writing. That is why even if my posts are few and far in between, there is so much depth in each one. So here I am, I give my heart to you and I hope you can feel the light, love and inspiration to which I write.

Mom and I had an interesting conversation last night to say the least. Being the loving and caring mother she is she was naturally inclined to state her worries about me not being open and being so shut off with my “walls”. This is particularly designated towards relationships. I took it with a grain of salt and went about my way. Just so happens last night I had a very interesting dream. I was being cut/scratched lightly all over my body. Having an interest in dream interpretation mom and I did some research. The skin is a representation of the “cloak” of a human being which in turn protects the person from harm. Well, well well little did I know how significant this dream could be. My interpretation of being cut in the dream was the subconcious trying to get past the barrier or otherwise known as my “walls.”

I built my walls a long time ago out of fear in order to protect myself from feeling pain and sadness. Fear drove me to putting on a “cape” in order to dismiss my sensitivities in an effort to be normal. I struggled all the way through school until about the age of 20 (when I started counseling) college included, with confusion of being different but yet wanting to fit in. I’ve heard many people say “I would go back to being a kid any day, I didn’t have a worry in the world” and I’ve always thought WHY THE HECK… I remember at the age of 5/6 being on the playground, caring so much about fitting in and being accepted. Here I was a little girl just wanting to be loved. Every time I think about that age it brings tears to my eyes. Even at such a young age life is confusing. I don’t blame conformity on society because society only got there with the help of each and every one of us.

So after years living with the fear of pain and sadness it has resulted in successfully pushing many people away from me and if that was you, I’m sorry. I know I’m not the only one out there who has walls or “capes” that keep people out. Often we believe that being numb and pushing away the feelings are actually doing us some good but in the long run only does more damage. There are a number of different ways people numb themselves. Some could be a form of alcoholism, addiction, working too much, overeating, sleeping around and obsession with body image are just a few of the examples. I randomly listened to a TED Talk today that discussed the relation to being numb and pushing away feelings or otherwise putting on a cape, if that’s not a sign I don’t know what is!

I have officially come to the realization, this is not how I want to live my life anymore, something has got to give! As scary as it may seem, being sensitive in a world full of opportunities to be numb and not giving in, is actually true strength! So I have decided to embrace the fear and go along for the ride. I tell you it sure wasn’t fun just standing in line in anticipation, the ride itself is much more fun! This doesn’t mean there won’t be ups and downs but like any roller coaster, being up is fun and going down is scary but most of us adventure seekers always enjoy the thrill 🙂

I am thankful for the hardships life has to offer because as long as we are learning from them, that is a life worth living! May life bring you peace and happiness in all that you do!

FEAR has two meanings

1. Forget Everything And Run

2. Face Everything And Rise

All my love,

Kels