It’s Not You, It’s Me

It’s not you, it’s me. Change is tough. I find myself going through many emotions as I delve further into adulthood in an effort to ‘find’ myself. With that, comes change. In some ways, one begins to become discontent with the way things are going. I’ve finally grown tired of doing things the way they’ve always been done. I’m tired of giving into the fear and remaining stuck in places that no longer do anything for my highest good. You begin to outgrow friendships, contemplate your life purpose, become less engaged with your work life and wonder if what you’re doing is really all there is to life. It can be if that’s all you want for, maybe that’s your Personal Legend. If so, good for you! However, I have a feeling the majority of us struggle with these feelings and emotions, continuously wondering why the discontent will pop up when technically, you have all you need. I mean what more could you want? That’s not what it’s about though.

The Alchemist describes a person’s Personal Legend as one’s destiny in life. Paulo Coelho takes Santiago on a journey that transforms into pursuing his Personal Legend in an effort to understand the Soul of the World. When you align your life with your soul’s mission, the Universe conspires in your favor. Sure it isn’t easy. Santiago experienced set backs, confusion and at times, a desire to give up. That’s when fate would intervene. Fate would show up in the way of signs and omens that were given through people, circumstances, animals, Mother Nature, and more, as a reminder of the blessing that one’s Personal Legend truly is and a gentle nudge to continue on the path. I’ve been on this ‘path’ for 6 years and who knows, maybe even my whole life. People have come and gone in my life, experiences and lessons pop up whenever the h*ll they want, I’ve delved into my past and my childhood to deal with memories and feelings I blocked a long time ago, it’s still hard to let go of what has always been, fear is a nagging voice that sure likes to find the negative and then some in every situation, being comfortable is nice for awhile but not sustaining and making excuses gets old and frankly exhausting.

Sometimes I find myself holding back, hindering my own greatness. It’s not places, people or things that are holding me back, this is about me. That’s why when I say, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ I mean it. Don’t take it personal if I move on with life and if you do, that’s on you. I’m not responsible for what is understood or how you handle what I do with my life. Heck, half the time I find it difficult to even understand and let alone handle my own life! I say this because I know this path is hard. Most of the time it’s scary, sometimes even lonely, especially at my age. “Feel the fear and do it anyways,” thanks for the advice mom! Sure it’s hard to move on from friendships that no longer serve a purpose in your life, it’s difficult to stand out in a society that suggests we all ‘fit in’, I spend a lot of my time still confused with what it is I’m doing or supposed to be doing, feelings and emotions are very foreign to me, sometimes I don’t handle things in the best way possible and relationships scare the crap out of me. But with the struggles, I can’t even begin to explain to you the greatness. To feel guided by a purpose, by a mission to make a difference no matter how big or how small. Being called upon to live out something bigger. To maybe not ‘know’ your Personal Legend but to trust in it with everything you are. That’s what dreaming is all about ❀

 

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Light & Love

Kels

Wednesday Inspiration

Feeling inspired today so I felt led to write it all down. Each post I write comes from the heart, sometimes I literally feel like my fingers are guided on what to type next and to me this is the best gift of writing. That is why even if my posts are few and far in between, there is so much depth in each one. So here I am, I give my heart to you and I hope you can feel the light, love and inspiration to which I write.

Mom and I had an interesting conversation last night to say the least. Being the loving and caring mother she is she was naturally inclined to state her worries about me not being open and being so shut off with my “walls”. This is particularly designated towards relationships. I took it with a grain of salt and went about my way. Just so happens last night I had a very interesting dream. I was being cut/scratched lightly all over my body. Having an interest in dream interpretation mom and I did some research. The skin is a representation of the “cloak” of a human being which in turn protects the person from harm. Well, well well little did I know how significant this dream could be. My interpretation of being cut in the dream was the subconcious trying to get past the barrier or otherwise known as my “walls.”

I built my walls a long time ago out of fear in order to protect myself from feeling pain and sadness. Fear drove me to putting on a “cape” in order to dismiss my sensitivities in an effort to be normal. I struggled all the way through school until about the age of 20 (when I started counseling) college included, with confusion of being different but yet wanting to fit in. I’ve heard many people say “I would go back to being a kid any day, I didn’t have a worry in the world” and I’ve always thought WHY THE HECK… I remember at the age of 5/6 being on the playground, caring so much about fitting in and being accepted. Here I was a little girl just wanting to be loved. Every time I think about that age it brings tears to my eyes. Even at such a young age life is confusing. I don’t blame conformity on society because society only got there with the help of each and every one of us.

So after years living with the fear of pain and sadness it has resulted in successfully pushing many people away from me and if that was you, I’m sorry. I know I’m not the only one out there who has walls or “capes” that keep people out. Often we believe that being numb and pushing away the feelings are actually doing us some good but in the long run only does more damage. There are a number of different ways people numb themselves. Some could be a form of alcoholism, addiction, working too much, overeating, sleeping around and obsession with body image are just a few of the examples. I randomly listened to a TED Talk today that discussed the relation to being numb and pushing away feelings or otherwise putting on a cape, if that’s not a sign I don’t know what is!

I have officially come to the realization, this is not how I want to live my life anymore, something has got to give! As scary as it may seem, being sensitive in a world full of opportunities to be numb andΒ not giving in, is actually true strength! So I have decided to embrace the fear and go along for the ride. I tell you it sure wasn’t fun just standing in line in anticipation, the ride itself is much more fun! This doesn’t mean there won’t be ups and downs but like any roller coaster, being up is fun and going down is scary but most of us adventure seekers always enjoy the thrill πŸ™‚

I am thankful for the hardships life has to offer because as long as we are learning from them, that is a life worth living! May life bring you peace and happiness in all that you do!

FEAR has two meanings

1. Forget Everything And Run

2. Face Everything And Rise

All my love,

Kels

A Look From Within

Hey everyone! Currently I am writing from my hotel near the London Heathrow airport, I arrive back to the states TOMORROW. Almost 3 weeks have passed of my time here in Europe and it is bittersweet to be leaving such a beautiful country, a wonderful host family and so many possibilities. BUT for now my venture is back home. I have made the decision to return home early for a number of reasons. As I know many of you are curious I will endeavor to put some of the questions at ease.

 

The past week or so I have struggled with numerous feelings and emotions; sadness, exhaustion, happiness, faith, thankfulness, and even fear. This trip has sure been an eye opener! Almost 2 months ago I graduated college, seems like just yesterday, what a beautiful time (even with all of the rain we had that day). Nearly 3 weeks ago I finally finished 7 credits of classes I had left to take when I walked across that stage. Given that I finished class 2 days before I came to Europe on a 6-8 week venture, life is just now catching up with me. What. A. Ride. The past couple of weeks in Genova, Italy have been amazing. My family is wonderful, Italy is beautiful and life is good. Something was missing though and I’m not talking about being homesick, this is something I could feel from within. Ah yes, exhaustion. Here I am in Europe babysitting 10 hour days and traveling on the weekends. YES this is very glamorous in many ways but at this time in my life it was just too much, I was falling apart.

Since the decision I made last Spring to move my graduation date up by a whole semester I had been swamped with classes, pre-sessions, summer sessions and weekend workshops. Good thing I work well under pressure πŸ˜‰ BUT as I arrived to Europe in my first few days it hit me, I need a break! Here I am about to start a possible 2 month venture but I can’t even wrap my mind, body and soul around it. So after surrendering to all of the emotions I was having about cutting my time here short, I made the choice to honor myself and come home. For the first day or two I was so worried about letting my host family down, after months of Skype calls how could I explain to them why I wanted to go home?! The conversation with my host mom was great, she completely understood and honored my wishes. In the following days I helped find a replacement for the 2-3 weeks I would be missing in order to help my host family out. I found a wonderful girl from Canada and she showed up Monday ready to rock and roll! What a relief, she is awesome and my prayers were definitely answered. Leaving was harder than I imagined. Crazy to think in such little time I became a part of an amazing family. I will forever cherish my time with them!

Once I got past the worrying I noticed something else coming up. I was afraid of what people would think. I had been talking about this adventure for months in anticipation of a nice little treat after graduation. Many friends and family members expressed their interest in following along with me while I set out on many adventures. In many forms I felt a responsibility to help show others the world. Ultimately, I realized the worry about what people thought of me was nowhere near the fear of what I might think of myself. Was I giving up? Was I letting myself down?

In the past few days I have had a revelation. All of the previous became irrelevant. The only responsibility I had given up on was the one I owed to myself. With so many changes I was finding it hard to keep up and in turn I was losing aspects of myself. This made for one very confused Kelsey. After a couple of days struggling through the emotions I am once again back on track to taking care of myself. I have currently had quite the lovely day relaxing at my hotel, treating myself to yummy meals and then a movie date to Magic Mike! That movie sure was XXL if you know what I mean πŸ™‚ For those of you who don’t the movie is called Magic Mike XXL lol, you’re welcome. I have a full weekend ahead! Tomorrow I get to see my mom, my kitties and a few of my friends. This weekend I have a Bachelorette Party for a dear friend of mine and then see my dad on Sunday. Somewhere in between this calls for a bunch of relaxation. I am happy to say I will be spending a couple weeks on a “stay-cation” or at least for the most part!

 

Now the big question, What’s next?

 

Well, stay tuned….

Kels